I haven’t ranted in a while.
I don’t know if I can so easily forgive and forget this time. Boy, would I like to. I’m beyond hurt and betrayed. One week is all it took for you to give up on something you promised forever. All the while, I sat here for almost 2 years putting up with all the disrespect, all the lies uncovered, and all the betrayal. I wanted to leave, multiple times, but I didn’t because I know my love for you was far beyond how upset I could be. But this time, it was different. You told me a bunch of things out of anger and then decided to take them back because according to you, “they were only words said out of anger and you were overreacting”. Any words ever said, have some truth behind them. Three types of people tell the hurtful truth; Children, drunks, and the angered. I guess this time it was different because you admitted you had feelings for her. Then you say that those feelings completely dissipated when we got back together and fixed everything? If you really truly have feelings for someone, they never go away. So I know, deep down in my heart that you still care for her. And then I think if I did the right thing by coming home and giving you yet another chance to hurt me. Something you said you’d never do. I’ve let you hurt me time after time, after time, after time. I love you, but I’m tired of being hurt. Now I just sit back an think if I did the right thing by not getting that abortion you begged me for. If I did the right thing by marrying you not a month after we got back together. If I did the right thing by coming back to Oregon. My heart and soul feels so torn in between what I want and what I should have done. I love you. So fucking much, and I think it’s shows throughout all the bullshit I’ve put up with. For you to leave because I was always so angry with you for never choosing your words carefully? For always picking your games and your friends over me? For always making me feel like I had to beg for your attention while you sat back and talked to other girls so willfully? Its gotten to the point where I think that if I had another chance to tak eyou back the first time… I don’t think I would. I don’t regret moving to Oregon for you. Not after everyone that I’ve met. Not after all the wonderful things your family has done for me. I do, however, regret giving you another opportunity to crush my soul one more time. The only good thing that came out of this heartbreak, is that I’ve finally opened my eyes. FINALLY. I’ve seen every stupid move I’ve made. I’ve seen how weak I’ve been. I’ve seen everything that I should have walked away from. Maybe I’m an idiot for staying. My only fault is that I love you too much. But, I can’t just act like I’ve never felt more ugly, more disgusting, more fucking WEAK than I’ve ever felt alone. At least alone, I didn’t have to feel the heartbreak. and at least alone I knew my worth. But now? I just feel like I’m lying to the world around me. now i truly feel like I’m just putting on a show. an the only reason I haven’t killed myself is because I have this little life inside me. But, hey, maybe it was just meant to work out this way. Either way, I’m scared to see how my story ends. If it’s with more heartbreak, I don’t think I’d survive.